The Tough Truth: What If Your Child Is the Bully?

You get the call or the email from school, and your stomach drops. Your child is being accused of bullying.

It’s a tough moment. Maybe your first reaction is disbelief. Maybe it’s frustration, or even shame. You might think, “There’s no way this is about my kid.”

That reaction is completely understandable. In a close community like Prosper in North Texas, this kind of news can feel especially personal. It can shake your view of your child and leave you questioning your role as a parent.

But take a breath. As painful as this is, it’s also a chance to learn more about your child and what they need. This is not about raising a bad kid. This is about helping a struggling one.

Looking Beneath the Behavior

Bullying doesn’t happen in a vacuum. From a depth psychology and trauma-informed perspective, this kind of behavior often reflects something deeper. It might be coming from stress, confusion, insecurity, or emotional pain that your child doesn’t yet know how to express.

The behavior may be hard to witness, but it is still communication. Just not in a form anyone would choose on purpose.

Here are some reasons a child might engage in bullying behavior:

• Strong emotions with no outlet
  Your child might be overwhelmed by anger, fear, or frustration and may not know how to cope with it in a healthy way.

• A sense of powerlessness
  If your child feels small or ignored in other areas of life, they might use bullying as a way to feel in control.

• Low self-esteem
  Many children who bully others are wrestling with their own feelings of inadequacy. Hurting someone else can briefly make them feel stronger or more important.

• Learned behavior
  They might be repeating actions they have seen at home, in media, or among peers without fully understanding the impact.

• Underdeveloped empathy
  Some children struggle to connect their actions to the emotional experiences of others. Empathy is a skill that can be nurtured over time.

• Unaddressed trauma or stress
  Difficult past experiences, anxiety, or changes in the home environment can lead to acting out in ways that seem aggressive or unkind.

What Parents Can Do

This is where your support becomes essential. Your child needs structure, understanding, and accountability. They also need you to stay grounded and present.

Here are some steps to consider:

• Have the conversation as soon as possible
  Be calm and clear. Let them know what you heard and why it matters. Avoid yelling or shaming. You are setting the tone for a meaningful conversation.

• Ask open-ended questions
  Once the basic facts are on the table, shift toward understanding. Ask questions like, “What happened before that?” or “How were you feeling when that happened?” or “What do you think the other person felt?” Try to listen without rushing to fix or explain.

• Offer clear, logical consequences
  Consequences should help your child reflect, not just feel punished. If they caused harm, guide them in making amends. That could include writing a letter of apology, helping repair damage, or participating in a restorative conversation.

• Teach empathy through practice
  Talk regularly about feelings—both their own and others'. Use books, stories, or real-life moments to help them imagine someone else’s experience. Role-playing and modeling can help them build emotional awareness.

• Let them learn by watching you
  Children learn how to navigate the world by observing adults. When you handle conflict, apologize, or show patience, they are learning valuable lessons without needing a lecture.

• Bring in support if needed
  If the behavior continues or feels overwhelming, it may be time to involve a mental health professional. A therapist can help your child build coping skills, identify root causes, and practice healthier ways of interacting. Support is available for you as a parent as well.

(You can also explore resources from StopBullying.gov and the Child Mind Institute for additional tools and insights.)

This Isn’t the End of the Story

Hearing that your child has harmed someone else is incredibly difficult. But it does not define who they are, and it does not define you as a parent. What matters now is how you respond.

This is a moment for growth. Your child needs boundaries, yes, but they also need connection, reflection, and care.

If you’re walking through something like this, know that help is available. I work with families to uncover what’s really going on beneath the behavior and to build lasting, compassionate change.

You don’t have to figure it all out alone. When you’re ready, I’m here.