That Cringey Feeling: Why You Feel So Much Shame and What Your Family of Origin Has to Do With It
You’re in a meeting at work, and your boss gives you some light, constructive feedback. Totally normal stuff. But inside, a volcano of dread erupts. Your palms get sweaty, your face feels hot, and a voice in your head screams, “See? You’re an idiot. You’re going to get fired.”
Or maybe your partner says, “Hey, can we talk for a minute?” and your first thought isn’t, “I wonder what’s on their mind?” but rather, “Oh no, what did I do wrong now?”
That powerful, sinking feeling—that sense of being fundamentally flawed, exposed, and just plain wrong—is shame. And if it feels like an old, familiar blanket you can’t seem to shake, there’s a good reason. More often than not, its threads were woven deep in our earliest relationships: in our family of origin.
What’s in a Family? (Turns Out, a Lot)
Your "family of origin" is psychologist-speak for the family you grew up in. It was our first training ground for how the world works, how relationships function, and most importantly, how we see ourselves. In a perfect world, this training ground would be a place of unconditional love, safety, and encouragement.
But life isn't a sitcom, and no family is perfect.
For many of us, our childhood homes were complicated. Maybe love was conditional, offered only when we were “good” or successful. Maybe emotions like anger or sadness were labeled “bad,” so we learned to stuff them down. Perhaps we were consistently criticized, compared to a sibling, or our needs were simply ignored because our parents were overwhelmed with their own struggles.
When a child’s core needs for acceptance and emotional safety aren’t met, they don’t think, “My parents are having a tough time.” They think, “There must be something wrong with me.” This is where shame takes root. It's the difference between guilt (“I did a bad thing”) and shame (“I am bad”).
This deep-seated shame doesn't just vanish when we move out. It packs its bags and comes with us, showing up as:
Intense self-criticism: That mean voice in your head? It often sounds suspiciously like a parent or critical family member.
Perfectionism: The belief that if you can just be perfect, you'll finally be worthy of love and avoid criticism.
People-pleasing: Constantly abandoning your own needs to make sure everyone else is happy, hoping to earn your place.
Fear of being “found out”: A persistent feeling that you’re a fraud, and if people knew the real you, they’d run for the hills.
The good news? We can begin to untangle these threads. We can get to know this shame, understand where it came from, and lessen its power over our lives. And it can start with something as simple as a pen and a piece of paper.
Your Journal: A Safe Place for the Messy Stuff
Journaling is a powerful way to have a conversation with yourself—all parts of yourself—without judgment. It’s a space to get curious about your own inner world. The goal here isn’t to blame your parents, but to understand your own story and how it shaped you.
Remember to bring a spirit of compassion to this process. You’re exploring tender territory. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a dear friend. The mess you uncover is often the medicine you need.
10 Journal Prompts to Explore and Heal Shame
Set aside some quiet time, take a few deep breaths, and gently explore these prompts. Don’t force it; just see what comes up.
Family Rules: What were the spoken or unspoken rules in your family about emotions? Were some feelings (like happiness) “good” and others (like anger or sadness) “bad” or “scary”? How did you learn this?
Being Seen: Describe a time in your childhood when you felt truly seen, heard, and accepted for who you were. Now, describe a time you felt invisible, misunderstood, or like you were “too much.”
The Body of Shame: When you feel shame today, what does it feel like in your body? Is it a pit in your stomach, a tightness in your chest, a hot feeling in your face? Where does it live?
The Critic’s Voice: If your shame had a voice, what are its favorite things to say to you? Whose voice from your past does it sound like?
Old Coping Skills: How did you learn to handle difficult feelings as a child? Did you hide in your room, try to be the perfect kid, get loud, or just zone out? How do these strategies show up in your adult life?
The Perfection Trap: In what areas of your life do you demand perfection from yourself? What are you afraid would happen if you were simply average or made a public mistake?
Your Family Role: What part did you typically play in your family system (e.g., the peacemaker, the responsible one, the troublemaker, the hero)? How does this role still show up in your friendships and romantic relationships?
Childhood Pride: Think of something you did or a quality you had as a kid that you were genuinely proud of, completely separate from anyone else’s approval. What was it?
A Letter to Little You: Write a short, kind letter to your younger self during a time you know was hard for them. What do you wish you could tell that child from your perspective today?
A Glimmer of What’s Possible: If you could set down just 10% of this shame, what might you have the energy or courage to do? What is one small, kind action you can take for yourself right now?
From the Page to Your Life
This work is profound, and it can be heavy. Go slow. Be gentle. Remember, these journal entries are valuable pieces of your own story. They are fantastic starting points for deeper exploration in therapy, where you can have a guide to help you navigate the trickier parts of the map you’re drawing.
If your journaling has introduced you to a whole cast of inner characters and you think it’s time for a formal meet-and-greet, you know where to find me. Send me a message today, and let’s talk about how we can make sense of the story together.
Helpful Resources:
Brené Brown’s work on Shame: Her TED Talk on Vulnerability is a fantastic place to start.
Internal Family Systems (IFS): Learn more about the "parts" of you from the founder, Dr. Richard Schwartz, at the IFS Institute.
"Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect" by Dr. Jonice Webb & “Facing Codependence” by Pia Mellody are excellent books on this topic.
